reflections

It is so difficult to 'compete' with extraverted people in a world that is so biased towards extraversion. I suppose I could come up with all these theories about how this problem is due to the fact that those evil extraverted folk would obviously be more inclined to force their extraverted ways upon the rest of us and make us feel inferior if we are not like them. I've been having a difficult time this term because my co-intern M is a very outspoken American girl who will fight a battle to its bloody end (even when she is in the wrong) and because I really haven't got the energy, nor desire to do so, I generally throw the towel in and let her win. But it becomes a more practical problem for me when we start to get compared by our registrars because then it starts to impact on my end of term evaluation and the thing is, I'm not saying either of us is better (I truly dont believe that is the case though M probably does) but I think no matter how much work I do, the number of hours I stay after she leaves, the number of clinics I do on her behalf, no matter how much I try to contribute, it never feels like it is recognised because at the end of the day, when we are asked about what's been happening she's the first to pipe up and is always careful to use phrases that suggest she has done all the work "I didn't add a picture to that list", "I called and they said this." I have been trying to respond in a positive way, but it is difficult, particularly at times when I am already being stretched by other issues. I have tried to look at things positively - so if the way she goes about things results in a favourable outcome, perhaps I could learn to say things which emphasize what I have done myself, though I feel that it ends up being some self-centred competition about who has done more work. I have tried to respond by working harder, being more proactive and basically, outplaying her with genuine work but every slip up is really discouraging. I've tried to remind myself that our internship year is as much about us learning to be better doctors as it is about the work we do for our team and that I shouldn't compare myself all the time and feel bad about everything. I think at the end of the day, I'm going to have to find a way in which I can be better than her (and really, be better than other people like her) because I probably am unlikely to ever 'beat' these people at their own game - I am just not that kinda of person.. but perhaps I could know more than them, be a better doctor than they are, so that each task becomes easier and I can work faster and that might even the playing ground a little.. since they can bullshit their way through life and I cant.