God did not author your confusion but he can certainly use it. And it is only when you've been through the confusion, and been through the wilderness, can you really say, the Lord is my Shepherd.
The number of times I have felt slighted because of my gender has been countless. The number of times my male (and female) counterparts have silenced me, or taken me less seriously, are many. People will not acknowledge a problem that exists, if it does not exist in their world. If they do not experience the slights because they are any combination of rich, white, or male. We have come to a point where people will accept the presence of 'White Privilege' as a concept, but they do not truly believe that their accomplishments are any easier to come by as a result. And they do not care. Why would they when the establishment is in their favour? I have come to learn many things about being female. I have learnt that some times we play a role in our own destruction. We wait to be rescued, or to be handed a hall pass, because for many years we have not been expected to excel on our own merit. We wait for mentors, without realising that mentors pick people in whom they see something ...
Being at the airport always gives me pause to reflect on the life that goes on around me, on my trajectory and on the things I have gained or lost. This year, flying has taken on a further nuance - the loss of three Malaysian planes in 2014, the wars of the Middle East which have spread west - while I cannot put my life on hold, I am reminded of the frailty of life which makes reflection all the more pertinent. When I was a child I would sit in front of the telly, eyes glued to the screen, impatient for the day my 'adventures' would begin. On my daily bike rides, it was almost as though if I cycled fast enough I could propel myself into the future where all the fun stuff would begin. I am now well into that future. In the beginning, it all seemed so exciting; there were so many possibilities. I have often wondered why my day-to-day is not as thrilling now as I expected it to be. As it is, my life is so close to what I wanted as a child. To my mind that should make me happie...
There are moments when I wonder if I have gotten it all wrong. There is music in my mind that cannot be expressed through medicine. Today I broke out in dance because the day to day in medicine bores me. Naturally, my boss was not too impressed. Is this really what I want to spend the rest of my life doing? But what else really, could I do? While I do not have an answer, sometimes I feel like I've really gotten it wrong. Yet, I doubt I would have enjoyed anything else. It leaves me hopeless. There is a music trapped inside that cannot be expressed. So it is tearing down the walls. There is a battle inside of me. Eating me inside. And that gnawing thought that I have really gotten it all wrong.
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