The Secret To Making Friends | Pastor Levi Lusko Sermon | Fresh Life Church

This is a great sermon and has taught me a fair bit about friendships. The below is an abbreviated transcript, because it has been worded so nicely I really couldn't say it any better than he has.

You can't rush relational intimacy. It doesn't happen in a day. Sometimes in the eagerness, because we are so starved for actual people in our life, when anybody shows us any attention, we just come on so strong and lay it on so thick coz we're trying to Amazon Prime the relationship. But when it's just this tiny little thing, you just add tiny little twigs to it and a little bit of kindling to it. You can't get to the big logs right away. That little flame is not enough to take on that big log. So you need friendship kindling and that takes time.

There are things in society today that have made it harder for us to develop friendships. There is an increased ease of movement. Where in the past, you would have lived and died in a similar location, these days, you can take off and be anywhere in the world. You can live off the grid in a camper van. We have gone back to an almost nomadic way of life. But when you breeze in and breeze out of places, in one season you live here, and in another season you live there, it is unsurprisingly difficult to then put down roots. There is a lot of connection in our day but less connectedness.

Friendship has also come to be defined in slightly different ways. Facebook has suggested to us that we are friends, simply because we have connected with someone. Celebrity has introduced an illusion of friendship. We follow them and we know a great deal about them but they don't know anything about us. But it feels like you are friends. We often know more about celebrities than we do about the people in our lives. 

We now have entertainment options that can keep us in this medicated coma inside of our homes. We have Netflix, and we have backup options. We can watch things all day and ignore how we feel. 

Ecclesiastes 4:10

For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Matthew 18:20 

For where there are two or three are gathered together, I am there in the midst of them.

But we need friendships in our lives. There are aspects of your relationship with God that you will never be able to experience on your own. 

You have been created with deficiencies so that the interlocking pieces of other people might bring you and others together. Adam wasn't lonely because he was imperfect. He was lonely because he was perfect.

Friendship is Possible. God wouldn't create you to crave something that was impossible. There is always a righteous fulfilment of our cravings. 

However, while it is possible, it is not always going to be easy. But this should make it more desirable and not less. Do you despise the day of small things when it comes to your friendships? You don't get to the deep talk without going through the small talk.

How do you be a good friend?

1. Take the initiative

A man who has friends must himself be friendly. Proverbs 18:24

2. Be vulnerable

Do the opposite of social media! Social media is about showing your best. But in friendships you need real talk. This is not immediate but you want to get to a point in friendships where there can be vulnerability. Enough with the church talk. What is really going on? Not all "God is good". You have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

3. Look for ways to add value

A man's gift makes room for him and brings him before great men. Proverbs 18:16 

4. Read the room

Social smarts cannot be overstated. Know what people are actually about. Are you doing something that is annoying? Are you overdoing it? Are you coming on too strong? You can't cover 20 years of friendship in 2 weeks. You want to leave them wanting more. Know when the night is over. Be mellow. You can't shove big logs into a little fire. It will smother it. You have to add kindling first. You can't repot a plant every two years. It won't work if you keep up a nomadic lifestyle and move every year. If you are averse to any difficulty, any conflict, and you move on when this happens rather than persisting through these things to actually get to where you want to be. 

Proverbs 25:17 Seldom set foot in your neighbour's house. Lest he become wary of you and hate you. 

5. Give what you want. 

Find out what your friends want. Speak their love language. This opens other people up to find out that your love language is, so that you also get what you want. But this can change on a day to day basis. Something which a friend may like on one day, may be grating to them on another.

6. Trust the Holy Spirit

We are not to be friends with every body. The Holy Spirit has in mind, certain relationships that are to be those 'Love as your own soul' kind of friendships. You need to be listening and paying attention to those nudges from the Holy Spirit when they appear. Your soul does not have the capacity to have that kind of intimacy with a large group of people.

 

Why do friendships hurt?

1. Friendships are painful because sometimes they go wrong.

- when friends betray you

2. Friendships can hurt because when your friends hurt, you may hurt too.

Final Message (do not miss this)

Even though friendships are important for human happiness, friendships were never meant to be the end. Friendship never works when it is about friendship. For better or for worse, it is going to be what you gave your life to, more than any other thing, that determines the friends that you have. What you gave your life to - the Agape, that determines, the Phileo, that falls into place, as an effect of following whatever or whoever you chose to give your life to.

That is why those pathetic people who simply "want friends" can never make any,. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. There would be nothing for the friendship to be about. And friendship must be about something. Those have have nothing can share nothing. Those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers. CS Lewis 

So if you make Having Friends the goal, who are the fellow travellers that you are going to get? You are not going to be the kind of person that, the friends you're looking, are themselves looking for. 

So the application today should not be "okay let's go and make friends". It's going to be "who have you bowed yourself down to? Who have you given yourself to? Who are going to be your fellow travellers?"

You decide what your goal in life is, then you look to the left and look to the right and you see who are those who are heading in the same direction. We need to keep idolatry away from our hearts. Even the idolatry of friends.