2022.

 2022. What a year it has been. 

Martin's son got cancer, and thankfully, recovered from it. I moved back to Sydney and started working at RPAH where I had always wanted to work. It wasn't exactly what I thought it would be... but it hasn't been bad at all. I finally attended my convocation, a symbol of attaining the FRACP. I thought I would stay in Sydney, but then I got offered interventional cardiology. Again - finally. The work I had always wanted to do. So in a way 2022, has seen me gain every career goal I have had. The truth is, Martin had a lot to do with all of that. He gained me entry to RPAH and entry into intervention. He means a lot to me and I will remember this. 

My personal life remains in flux. I went on so many dates. Of all the years I've had as an adult, this would have been the year to meet someone. I had no on-calls. I finally had some security with my homes and my money. But every connection seems to have fallen through. Federico turns out to be a two timing cheat. After all the control he sought to exert on me, it turns out he was dating Sharon on Monday and me on Tuesday. And then Di - why did he have to be in Japan? On the one hand, it is good that he is so far away as it makes it easier for us not to be physically closer than we should be. But on the other, it gives us no real time to get to know one another. I need my partner to be there for me. I need him to be able to step up and protect me, emotionally.. mentally, if not physically and financially. And Roberto. After 8 years... I finally cut the chord. I said goodbye, potentially for good this time. And I told his wife, at long last, about everything he did. 

It has been a year of flux. I feel like the ground shifts beneath me. I feel like I am walking on water, not just with how uncertain and precarious everything feels, but I guess on some level, with how I've had to just take each next step by faith. I've asked God where He was. I've asked God if He was real. Even today, on his birthday. I'm still here uncertain about my faith. It is everything to me, and yet, I have doubts. If God is not real, my whole life would be shaken. God is the rock upon which I stand. To have that taken from me too, would be shattering. I say that but I do not fully believe.. and I do not act like I believe. 

I told God all of this tonight. I prayed, please make this journey easier. Take away the aloneness. Bring me certainty and calm. 

He responded with this:

God will make a way

When there seems to be no way

He works in ways, we cannot see

He will make a way for me.

He will be my Guide, hold me closely to His side

With love and strength, for each new day

He will make a way

He will make a way.

(Don Moen)

and then:

In His time

In His time.

He makes all things beautiful 

In His time.