You're the Same God

Prelude

Tonight I realised that it was 20 years ago when I had initially left home. I was 14 turning 15, and now I am 34 turning 35. 20 years on and I am about to qualify as a cardiologist in Australia. Wow. 

And it isn't just that. I have learnt so many things, and grown in so many ways. As I look back on the years that were, I am grateful, for the good times and the bad. God knew what I needed, and everything that has happened was all a part of my journey.. a journey I had to take, to get here. 

Take 1

When I was a girl, life brought me into contact with many rich and powerful people. I could never understand why I, of all people, had been given the opportunity to have a glimpse into that world. I was born into a good but very normal family. We were not rich. I lived in a terrace house that we rented for about RM400 a month for a long time. My playground were the drains, roads and forested regions around me - wherever my bike would take me, that was as far as I could go. My playthings were cardboard boxes, leaves, flowers and whatever toys my grandparents gifted us from their toy store. And yet, from such simple beginnings, there I was, thrust into the world of the rich, powerful and sometimes famous. 

My friends were the scions of large empires. They played with royalty, owned hotels, conglomerates, ruled countries. They were national athletes, musical prodigies. I fundraised with a child of the Kenwood family, I went to class with Michelle Y's niece. I even went on a date with the son of SG's prime minister. 

But I always had my doubts. I wondered how it was that I knew these people. I hadn't done anything consciously to meet them, or get to know them. But it kept happening, so I became suspicious, of myself. I wondered if I had somehow manipulated my way into their lives. Did I only like them because of their wealth? Were my friendships genuine? 

I think God knew that I would always doubt my own intentions if He did not show me otherwise. So I think He brought me here to Australia, where I knew no one. Where none of my friends were wealthy. There were rich people of course. Medicine is littered with the children of doctors, so there are very financially comfortable people, but no one from money at the level of my Singapore friends. No one crazy rich, you'd say.

And then there were the guys. B, D and Z. I kinda fell for the boys. They were very normal people too. Teachers and tradies. D was a manager at McDonalds before he entered his trade. But I was really crazy about them. I kinda almost adored them, and wanted them. I would have dated them, maybe even married them, had any of them shown any interest in me. Alas, it was not meant to be. But after two years and three men, I am quite sure that I do not choose my men based on their wealth. God knew, but I needed to know too. 

Take 2

As a child, work always came easy. I never really  had to try. I was one of the best students in MYS - hence my scholarships to SG, and when I got to SG I was one of the best there too. I was given a spot in Raffles Junior College, which accepts the top 3% of students in the country. I was winning multiple international scholarships. I topped UNSW's foundation year program. I got into medicine with a perfect score. But the irony was, I still wasn't sure of myself. It had come too easy. I wasn't quite sure how I got to where I was. I wasn't sure if I had real substance. I felt like I didn't have a story (of struggle) and boy, was I dissatisfied with life. 

I remember being in Sydney, looking at my best friend C and wondering how it was that she was so content with her life. She didn't want anything, didn't feel the need to do more or be more. I was about 24 and felt like I would never feel contentment and peace in my life. 

And then medicine put me through the fire. I endured years of isolation, rejection and bullying. I was accused of things I had never done. I was gas-lighted and baited by my bosses. And then in 2019, I was severely psychologically abused by the director of my department. He doesn't even deserved to be named here, except one day in the context of being brought to account for his deeds. But the remarkable thing, was that in the midst of the chaos in my reality, I found the most profound and unexplainable peace, deep in my soul. I found the peace that had eluded me for my whole life. I didn't need my job, my achievements nor the accolade of my peers. Life itself was enough. I don't know how that happened, but boy had I prayed a lot during that time. I know now without a shadow of a doubt, both that I deserve my future and that it is my Gods grace that we have anything that we have. I know what it took to get there. Having said that, I also know, that my happiness doesn't depend on those successes at all.

God knew that I needed to let go of these things. He knew that I both needed to learn how to appreciate it without needing to hold on to it. So in looking back, I am so grateful. What some meant for evil, God has used for good.

Finale

So I look back on the journey and on all the things that happened. I am in no way condoning the evil that occurred but I know that it happened for a purpose, and I know that it is all now falling into place. I am grateful for the God who took me through, who designed my path and navigated my steps. I am grateful to He who supplied my every need in astounding abundance. I am grateful for the future He has promised me.

This is my story.