Where I am Now

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Tonight I turned on my piano for the first time in 2019. I have always wanted the ability to use music as a means of expressing myself - in sadness or in worship. Even though the notes came haltingly today,  it still meant something to me.
"I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross."
It often feels like I have lost myself in life's journey. It has been the wildest and grandest adventure, but I know that part of my life is coming to an end.

And yet, truth be told, there are many times when I still feel very much alone, in Brisbane, as I was in Sydney, in Kuching or in Tasmania. But of course I would feel this way - I haven't stayed still for long enough, for very much to matter. I've not really committed myself to any place, anyone or anything. It wasn't that I was afraid of being hurt or anything like that, but rather that I just hadn't been at that place in life where one becomes ready to settle into one thing, one person and one future. But hey, I'm probably more "there" now than I have ever been in my life. God knows why. Maybe after the trauma of 2019 I just wanted the requisite family and white picket fence.

Anywayyyy, today I had this thought, that it might be nice to have a Reset Button for life. Perhaps I could go back and do it over. But knowing me, I would hit that button over and over again and life might never be lived.

I guess part of growing older, is learning to accept the imperfection of it all. The fallibility of my friends, my family and my circumstance, but above all, to accept the flaws I see in me.

Okay, enough ruminating for today. I need to get out more, be the person I was when I first left for Singapore. I liked who I was back then, and I miss my buddies.

Lots of love. S.

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