Getting back on track
Over the past week I have been on a soul searching journey that has brought me back to the interiors of Borneo (where amazingly there is Wifi). It has been a hectic couple of years and for the most part I have been left feeling lost and uncertain about where I was in life and literally, because despite having a great job in medicine I pretty much have to go where the job takes me. I felt this struggle between fighting for my job, for a good position, in a good program, and keeping what I felt were altruistic intentions about medicine. I struggled with that feeling that life had been quite unfair given how disadvantaged I have been as a result of factors beyond my control (ie. the country of my birth). I felt the pressures of having to do well lest I fail to secure a job n the coming year and risk being sent back to the developing world that I have worked so hard to leave.
I gave up a lot of time to do research, half the time convincing myself that I really enjoyed it, and that I was doing it to be a good researcher, to contribute to my profession, that I wasn't doing it just for a good line on my CV. Sometimes I even believed that - it's possible that it is in fact, true but I am not always sure.
And yet, despite knowing that I cannot really complain about my life, because it is still in fact, blessed, though not as rosy I expected it to pan out, I did not feel peace in my heart. I kept seeing the end in my mind. I kept seeing me at the end of my career and my life, and I kept having that gnawing feeling that I wasn't actually heading in the right direction. My mind tells me that the best thing I can do for myself and my career is to stay in Australia. My heart tells me I should move to the States, even though I will earn less, the path will be harder and life will probably not be as I imagined it anyway.
Tonight God reminded me of a place I feel I can still remember. That place of certainty, in knowing that God has His hand on my life and that I simply need to follow where He leads me. I felt Him telling me that this career should not be about changing medicine or being a great doctor, so much as it should be about glorifying His name and being His Hands and Feet. But even then, that rather than trying to Be and Do all the time, that I should simply wait in His presence, that every moment of joy I experience through this profession should be because of how much closer it brings me to Him. And if I feel inspired and excited by it, it is because I am doing the work He has prepared for me. And instead of scouring the Internet for mission trips, I should work on enjoying every day in His presence, because I do not need to go to the ends of the earth to find him - He will find me. I want to be reminded every day of the year that I was made to live for an audience of One. I want to be reminded to keep my eyes only on Him. I want His presence to be so apparent in my life, to me and to those around me. I want to be a blessing and encouragement to those who come across my story.
Help me to forgive Lord, and help me to remember. Thank you for being faithful.
I gave up a lot of time to do research, half the time convincing myself that I really enjoyed it, and that I was doing it to be a good researcher, to contribute to my profession, that I wasn't doing it just for a good line on my CV. Sometimes I even believed that - it's possible that it is in fact, true but I am not always sure.
And yet, despite knowing that I cannot really complain about my life, because it is still in fact, blessed, though not as rosy I expected it to pan out, I did not feel peace in my heart. I kept seeing the end in my mind. I kept seeing me at the end of my career and my life, and I kept having that gnawing feeling that I wasn't actually heading in the right direction. My mind tells me that the best thing I can do for myself and my career is to stay in Australia. My heart tells me I should move to the States, even though I will earn less, the path will be harder and life will probably not be as I imagined it anyway.
Tonight God reminded me of a place I feel I can still remember. That place of certainty, in knowing that God has His hand on my life and that I simply need to follow where He leads me. I felt Him telling me that this career should not be about changing medicine or being a great doctor, so much as it should be about glorifying His name and being His Hands and Feet. But even then, that rather than trying to Be and Do all the time, that I should simply wait in His presence, that every moment of joy I experience through this profession should be because of how much closer it brings me to Him. And if I feel inspired and excited by it, it is because I am doing the work He has prepared for me. And instead of scouring the Internet for mission trips, I should work on enjoying every day in His presence, because I do not need to go to the ends of the earth to find him - He will find me. I want to be reminded every day of the year that I was made to live for an audience of One. I want to be reminded to keep my eyes only on Him. I want His presence to be so apparent in my life, to me and to those around me. I want to be a blessing and encouragement to those who come across my story.
Help me to forgive Lord, and help me to remember. Thank you for being faithful.
Psalm 115:1
Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.
Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.
Comments
Post a Comment