Tasmania

It's been 2 months and 10 days since I first moved to Tasmania for work. I am still in a quandary about being here. The longest I have had doubts about anywhere. I can't sleep, I have nightmares regularly about being betrayed by people I trust, I lie in bed for hours in the morning so I don't have to get up and face the day. And yet, it hasn't been all bad. Perhaps it is just that part of me that needs to deal with being here, but I've had some good times. Experiences that I wonder why I do not enjoy more. I've made a good friend in Carli, and we've had the kind of hang outs that I've wanted to have for a very long time. We get to watch movies with cheezles and tea. We get to go on hikes and watch swans and possums in their natural habitat and people on jet skis on the river bend. Work is okay - they haven't quite worked me to the bone, and they've probably been nicer to me that staff at NSW hospitals would have been. I'm getting to spend time with the cardiology unit and probably with plastics. I feel like I should be happy, but I am not. And it is not just this deep seated, unwavering sadness, it is a gnawing anxiety that wouldn't go away.

I don't know why I am in Tasmania. None of this makes sense to me. Not all of it has sunk in. I don't know if I want to be in NSW at this point, having been cast aside so callously by an organisation and an administrative body that just does not give a damn about the people they have power over. I feel scarred beyond repair by the internship allocation process that occured last year. Anxious that somehow, somewhere I am not good enough. And then anxious about everything else. About the possibility of me never living up to what I had hoped for myself. Angry about the injustice, and the inequality between my peers and I, about the different experiences we have had, and the different experiences we continue to have because I am not local.

Angry, anxious and quite down in the spirits. That's where I am at the moment. I hope this season ends soon.