Phileosophie

Being at the airport always gives me pause to reflect on the life that goes on around me, on my trajectory and on the things I have gained or lost. This year, flying has taken on a further nuance - the loss of three Malaysian planes in 2014, the wars of the Middle East which have spread west - while I cannot put my life on hold, I am reminded of the frailty of life which makes reflection all the more pertinent. When I was a child I would sit in front of the telly, eyes glued to the screen, impatient for the day my 'adventures' would begin. On my daily bike rides, it was almost as though if I cycled fast enough I could propel myself into the future where all the fun stuff would begin. I am now well into that future. In the beginning, it all seemed so exciting; there were so many possibilities. I have often wondered why my day-to-day is not as thrilling now as I expected it to be. As it is, my life is so close to what I wanted as a child. To my mind that should make me happie

There are moments when I wonder if I have gotten it all wrong. There is music in my mind that cannot be expressed through medicine. Today I broke out in dance because the day to day in medicine bores me. Naturally, my boss was not too impressed. Is this really what I want to spend the rest of my life doing? But what else really, could I do? While I do not have an answer, sometimes I feel like I've really gotten it wrong. Yet, I doubt I would have enjoyed anything else. It leaves me hopeless. There is a music trapped inside that cannot be expressed. So it is tearing down the walls. There is a battle inside of me. Eating me inside. And that gnawing thought that I have really gotten it all wrong.

I always feel like life needs to be packed with amazing and exciting things... so it never feels right when my weekends are empty. I get bored, and boredom doesn't sit well with me! It will be A.W.E.S.O.M.E. when I am back in my own apartment with pretty furniture and the amazing Apple iMac that I will finally buy and UNLIMITEDDDDD internet. It will certainly be really really awesome.

I am soon to complete my resident year and in a little over a week will begin my position as a medical registrar. I am excited to finally be here and remember being a student and thinking about how my registrars seemed to know so much. I am going back to the hospital where I was once a medical student and that is also exciting. Sort of a homecoming for me. I hope it will all go well. It is Saturday today, but I am working as today is my last overtime shift as a junior doctor (yay me!). I felt a little frustrated at the registrar on today because I felt that he wasn't doing his job very well but then a pang of guilt hit me as I realised how I was judging someone without really understanding the circumstances he was going through, both in and out of the work environment. I have had the opportunity to work with many doctors who graduated from medical schools abroad. Often times, you feel like they are not quite as good as the locally trained doctors. Or at least, that their medica