Phileosophie

Tonight I turned on my piano for the first time in 2019. I have always wanted the ability to use music as a means of expressing myself - in sadness or in worship. Even though the notes came haltingly today,  it still meant something to me. "I'll never know how much it cost,  to see my sin upon that cross." It often feels like I have lost myself in life's journey. It has been the wildest and grandest adventure , but I know that part of my life is coming to an end. And yet, truth be told, there are many times when I still feel very much alone, in Brisbane, as I was in Sydney, in Kuching or in Tasmania. But of course I would feel this way - I haven't stayed still for long enough, for very much to matter. I've not really committed myself to any place, anyone or anything. It wasn't that I was afraid of being hurt or anything like that, but rather that I just hadn't been at that place in life where one becomes ready to settle into one thing, one person ...

I was talking to a friend recently about my old passion project and it led me back to this long-forgotten blog. Having spent the past few years scrubbing the internet of my existence (existential crisis you see), I no longer have many online memories of the years gone by. I'm somewhat grateful that this little grotto escaped the wrath of my online cleansing. It was interesting to revisit the memories from 2016. That was a tough time, going through stuff at work, and dealing with the uncertainties of the season. I've come through it fine, and while life's curveballs will keep coming, one thing I know for sure is that God is faithful and His love endures forever. (Ps 136) I am currently living in Brisbane. It is an unexpectedly fabulous place with great weather, wonderful people and a brilliant lifestyle. It is such an unassuming city - I don't know why it took me 33 years to find it, but I like it and hopefully will have the opportunity to stay for a while.

I am at a strange cross roads in life. I have completed all the compulsory training I need to do prior to starting a career in cardiology. On paper, I should have been a shoo-in for the job because I had done all the right things and had tons of research to complement my other activities. But I didn't get the job. So I am now at this point in life where I could technically take a break, and I would love to take a break, but people around me are giving conflicting advice. I do not know if taking a break would somehow reduce my chances of getting a cardiology advanced training position in the coming year. Ideally I would love to have a year off, to spend time with my family, to do some humanitarian work and then I would locum around Australia so as not to deplete the bank account too much. But I don't know if this would be a bad idea from a cardiology perspective. I wish God would just talk to me. I wish He would tell me what to do, in all His infinite wisdom. Sadly, my faith o...

The number of times I have felt slighted because of my gender has been countless. The number of times my male (and female) counterparts have silenced me, or taken me less seriously, are many. People will not acknowledge a problem that exists, if it does not exist in their world. If they do not experience the slights because they are any combination of rich, white, or male. We have come to a point where people will accept the presence of 'White Privilege' as a concept, but they do not truly believe that their accomplishments are any easier to come by as a result. And they do not care. Why would they when the establishment is in their favour? I have come to learn many things about being female. I have learnt that some times we play a role in our own destruction. We wait to be rescued, or to be handed a hall pass, because for many years we have not been expected to excel on our own merit. We wait for mentors, without realising that mentors pick people in whom they see something ...

I have spent the past 3 months working with a particular resident at my hospital. Some times when you walk around the hospital it is like walking in a Marcs/Country Road/CUE showroom. Many of our doctors come from affluent backgrounds - whose fathers, and sometimes mothers are doctors, university chancellors, business-people, lawyers, politicians. I often wonder if they have ever had difficulties in life. If they know what it means to earn your keep, and to actually have to work for their 'achievements'. Many of them live at home, or in homes paid for by their wealthy and protective parents. Their biggest problems is probably divorce between those parents. They travel extensively, with numerous photos of their exotic exploits posted onto Facebook. They are athletic, intelligent and beautiful. They will often go on to marry other wealthy individuals, usually surgeons, cardiologists, lawyers. They have massive impractical heirlooms on their ring fingers. They are entitled. They w...

I once had a patient - he was young, by inpatient standards, but had lived a life of sex, booze and drugs, resulting in viral hepatitis and hepatocellular (liver) cancer. He came to our hospital because of abdominal pain and his doctors found that the cancer had spread to his lungs. He came to my attention one evening when I was asked to review him for severe pain. By the end of the evening, he had bled into his liver and this leaked (via the cancer) into his abdominal cavity. The surgical registrar came to see him that night. "Sir, you have bled into your abdominal cavity and there is nothing we can do about that okay?" the surgical registrar said gently. The patient looked up at the registrar. "Not even a transplant?" "No, that's not going to work." "Am I going to die?" "If you continue bleeding into the cavity. But we will ensure that you are not in pain." We asked if there was anyone he would like us to call. There was no...

Being at the airport always gives me pause to reflect on the life that goes on around me, on my trajectory and on the things I have gained or lost. This year, flying has taken on a further nuance - the loss of three Malaysian planes in 2014, the wars of the Middle East which have spread west - while I cannot put my life on hold, I am reminded of the frailty of life which makes reflection all the more pertinent. When I was a child I would sit in front of the telly, eyes glued to the screen, impatient for the day my 'adventures' would begin. On my daily bike rides, it was almost as though if I cycled fast enough I could propel myself into the future where all the fun stuff would begin. I am now well into that future. In the beginning, it all seemed so exciting; there were so many possibilities. I have often wondered why my day-to-day is not as thrilling now as I expected it to be. As it is, my life is so close to what I wanted as a child. To my mind that should make me happie...